Dear Diary,
All day today, I’ve been riding a roller coaster of fear with my thoughts ranging from having courage and strength enough to take me to the heights of bravery in the fight against Lupus and Lyme-related infections; but, then out of nowhere, my thoughts drop what feels like 100 feet down to the depths of giving up and just allowing myself to simply die.
What good will these drugs do? What they give me for Lyme disease could worsen the Lupus; and what they give me for Lupus could worsen the Lyme disease. These drugs may even make me sicker with that Herxheimer reaction, also known as “Herxing”—the “get worse before you get better” routine. It’s caused by the reactions of the bacteria and parasites in response to the drugs that are trying to kill it. I never liked that idea of getting worse to get better. I’m not sure it even works, even though they say it ultimately turns out to be a good thing. All I see are people, like myself, who are hopelessly riding a roller coaster of fear, unable to get off to get better.
Why does it work that way anyway? Why can’t they just drop a nuclear bomb on the disease and call it a day.
Maybe somebody’s working on that right now. I can only hope.
Love,
Olivia
